Month: June 2024

Delayed Deck the Halls

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It’s December 16th and my tree still sits bare. “At least it’s up,” I tell myself. It’s pre-lit, so I turn it on every night, but for some reason I haven’t had time (or made time) to put the ornaments on it.

Deciphering my hesitancy hasn’t been fun. Is it laziness, over-scheduling, apathy, grief, or flat-out “grinchiness” — maybe it’s a combination of all of the above? My first clue that this Christmas was going to be a problem came in October when Hobby Lobby put out all the Christmas decor. Turning down that aisle and seeing the wall of ornaments reminded me of shopping trips that will never be, celebrations that can’t happen and all that has been lost. I’ve been trying to move past that sinking feeling ever since. I seem to be stalled.

One of the things I like most about decking the halls are all the memories that accompany the unboxing. This year, unboxing memories hasn’t been easy for me…not just for Christmas, but for any holiday. I’m trying to tell myself that I can do hard things…and I know that I can and will…tomorrow.

Empty Chairs, Everywhere is a personal grief diary as I process the loss of my Mother to COVID-19.

Time Heals All Wounds…and Other Sucky Sayings

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“They” always tell you it will get better. At this point, “they” are wrong. The second Thanksgiving without my mom was just as sad as the first. “They” also say that it takes 6 weeks to develop a new habit. If I’m doing the math right, just 40 more Thanksgivings until this feels right.

In the meantime, I made a pie at home instead of in the midst of the hustle and bustle of my mom’s busy kitchen. Right now, we should all be gathered around the table preparing for a raucous round of Jenga or organizing a SPOONS tournament. We should be talking about all the loot we scored on Black Friday. Last year, for the most part, the country skipped the traditional Thanksgiving gathering, but “they” act like that’s all in the past now as we have transitioned to a “new normal.” Slowly but surely, everything is falling back into place. Right?

Wrong.

I saw a post today that said it’s ok to cry and be thankful at the same time. At least someone got something right.

Empty Chairs, Everywhere is a personal grief diary as I process the loss of my Mother to COVID-19.

‘Tis the Season

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The Hallmark Channel has been showing Christmas movies since late October. These shows have always reminded me of my Mom, her kitchen, and the holidays. We have shared a lot of laughter over these silly (and oftentimes far fetched) movies! I remember making fun of her obsession with the Hallmark Channel and then, before I knew it, I was addicted, too. Crazy but true.

Still there are other movies, family favorites, that not only remind me of her, but take me back in time. Tonight, Funny Farm with Chevy Chase was on AMC. I don’t think I ever classified it as a Christmas movie, but I get it now. There’s something about the holidays! It’s been a while since I laughed out loud at a movie — who can resist the “cue the deer” line? Truly funny. 18 months after her passing and my first thought was to text her that it was on TV. I know she would have tuned in and we would undoubtedly laugh at the same parts. Maybe the line should be “cue the tears” instead? Bittersweet memories.

Empty Chairs, Everywhere is a personal grief diary as I process the loss of my Mother to COVID-19.

All Saints

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On this Day of the Dead, we welcome the spirits of our loved ones, tell their stories and remember their love.

I don’t know much about El Dia de Los Muertos, but I’m learning. It’s hard to miss this annual celebration given its trending pop culture status. What draws me in is the rich tradition. The most poignant thing I’ve read is that it’s a day where heaven and earth meet. I like that.

I think about those who have lost loved ones and choose to pay tribute to them not only with flowers and photographs, but also with food, stories and song. It makes sense to me that when we do these things we feel connected to our deceased loved ones. Honoring someone in this way is intentional and purposeful. Tributes like this create legacy. Most of all, at least for myself, in remembering I find some peace in a place where heaven and earth meet.

I’m learning AND healing at the same time.

Empty Chairs, Everywhere is a personal grief diary as I process the loss of my Mother to COVID-19.

Halloween Chili

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It’s important to make space and time for grieving. I find that I feel closest to my mom when I’m doing things we used to do together. Holidays are a good time to revisit these types of memories. While Mom wasn’t a big fan of Halloween, she made sure we always had a belly full of hot food before trick or treating. The tradition was passed on to the grandkids as well. The last time I spent Halloween with my Mom, she made chili for all of us

My kids don’t like beans. So making chili in my house is a funny thing because I have to really, really want chili seeing as how I’ll be the ONLY person eating it. This year I felt the urge to have chili so strongly that I actually dreamt about it. I called my sister to see if she had gathered any tips or tricks on how to make Mom’s chili and went for it!

While it didn’t compare to my Mom’s chili (needed onion salt), it wasn’t half bad. What I do know is that sitting in front of a hot bowl of chili on a cold Halloween night…remembering my Mom…was all good.

Empty Chairs, Everywhere is a personal grief diary as I process the loss of my Mother to COVID-19.

One Less Flower Child

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You never know when grief will strike. One minute you’re mindlessly scrolling through Facebook and the next minute you’re wiping tears off your phone. There’s a quote that says losing a loved one is actually two losses — the first is losing what was and the second is losing what could have been.

This weekend I saw posts from the “Boo at the Zoo” event in my hometown. My Mom was not a big Halloween fan, but she did participate in this annual event with her coworkers. Oftentimes we’d chat about her costume ideas on the phone. Occasionally, we would shop together as she planned out her look. This year her coworkers dressed as hippies. In my mind’s eye I could so clearly see her in costume…vest, beads, tie dye, bell bottoms…the whole works. A real hippie chick.

As the world works to resume “normal,” I’m realizing just how hard this second year without her has been. We all collectively missed events like this in 2020. Now these events go on…they just go on without her.

She should be here.

Empty Chairs, Everywhere is a personal grief diary as I process the loss of my Mother to COVID-19.

Mothers and Daughters

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I am blessed. My mother and I had an easy relationship. We not only loved each other, but we liked and respected each other, too. This is something that I don’t take for granted. I pray that my daughter and I have that same kind of relationship. I truly am her biggest fan! There’s a quote by writer Becky Blades that says, “Mothers are the people who want your dreams to come true even more than you do.” I feel this on so many levels…as a mother AND a daughter, but also as a sister, cousin, aunt and friend.

My daughter is 16. She drives now. Something my Mom didn’t get to see (or experience — lol!) When she started high school, she told my Mom that she wanted a little white car and that’s exactly what she drives today. It’s clean and girly and smells sweet. We both agree that Grandma would love it! She takes good care of it and looks forward to driving to Sonic for happy hour. In so many ways she is my daughter…determined and creative, responsible and funloving. While she and I are lucky enough to share in these great qualities, we know (without a doubt) that we get them from you, Mom.

Empty Chairs, Everywhere is a personal grief diary as I process the loss of my Mother to COVID-19.

Welcome Wreath

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My childhood memories don’t include door wreaths. I remember lots of other decorations, but not wreaths. The first wreath I can actually recall made its appearance on our front door while I was in college. DIY crafts were becoming really popular at the time and my Mom made her own pretty floral wreath. Over the years she made and bought several different wreaths each ushering in a new season or holiday. I can remember one wreath that contained metal elements and on especially warm summer days the hot glue connecting the pieces would melt and fall off. It was funny, but Mom was ever resourceful. The next time I saw the wreath she had reconstructed the metal element with wire. It looked good. No more melting. When I had my first home, she gave me a fall wreath. Moving away from apartment living was monumental. Now I had a front door! She deemed it appropriate that I have a wreath for it. She told me to dress it up with fall leaves. I did as I was told.

I hung the wreath this week. It’s been on the door of every house we’ve lived in for the last 20 years. The same wreath. The wreath she gave me. They say home is wherever your Mom is, but maybe it’s wherever her wreath lives.

Empty Chairs, Everywhere is a personal grief diary as I process the loss of my Mother to COVID-19.

Breakfast is Love

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It’s always surprising to me how many people don’t eat breakfast. As a kid, my Mom always made sure we never walked out the door without breakfast. Sometimes it was cereal, but mostly it was a hot breakfast. If we were really lucky, it was breakfast for dinner. Until now, I always considered breakfast a nicety. Today, I see it as an act of love, not only for the recipient, but maybe even for ourselves. You see, I make sure my kids have breakfast, too. Usually it’s just cereal because that’s what they like (and who can blame them, I love cereal, too!) Recently though, the kids have started to enjoy a hot breakfast. I get it — there’s nothing like starting your day with a full belly of warm food. In fact, I typically make myself a hot breakfast, sort of an act of self love. Still, making breakfast for someone else hits different. It’s extra time, extra energy, extra supplies and definitely extra love. Let me explain…the last thing I want to do is wake up and make breakfast. I’m tired, I’m no chef, and breakfast is messy. However, doing this for someone else is in its own way an act love. It says, I will take this time, extend this effort and do this for you because I love you. I’m not going to promise to make everyone breakfast all the time, it’s definitely not in my nature, but I’m grateful for a mother who did that not only for me, but for us.

Food for thought.

Empty Chairs, Everywhere is a personal grief diary as I process the loss of my Mother to COVID-19.

Thinking of You

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It’s funny the things that get passed down from generation to generation. Every time someone in my presence starts rubbing their nose or comments that their nose is “itchy,” I always tease, “Someone must be thinking about you…” I know it’s a silly superstition, but it’s something my Mom always said to us growing up and now it’s something I say to my kids — they even say it back to me! The phrase has been getting a lot of use lately as this allergy season seems to be longer and stronger than in past years. My entire household is currently plagued by red eyes, stuffy ears, scratchy throats and those itchy noses — giving us plenty of opportunities to tease one another with that silly superstition. You would think it would get old or annoying, but instead the saying just makes me smile and gives me yet another opportunity to think about my Mom and wonder if maybe she’s thinking about us, too.

Empty Chairs, Everywhere is a personal grief diary as I process the loss of my Mother to COVID-19.