It’s December 16th and my tree still sits bare. “At least it’s up,” I tell myself. It’s pre-lit, so I turn it on every night, but for some reason I haven’t had time (or made time) to put the ornaments on it.

Deciphering my hesitancy hasn’t been fun. Is it laziness, over-scheduling, apathy, grief, or flat-out “grinchiness” — maybe it’s a combination of all of the above? My first clue that this Christmas was going to be a problem came in October when Hobby Lobby put out all the Christmas decor. Turning down that aisle and seeing the wall of ornaments reminded me of shopping trips that will never be, celebrations that can’t happen and all that has been lost. I’ve been trying to move past that sinking feeling ever since. I seem to be stalled.

One of the things I like most about decking the halls are all the memories that accompany the unboxing. This year, unboxing memories hasn’t been easy for me…not just for Christmas, but for any holiday. I’m trying to tell myself that I can do hard things…and I know that I can and will…tomorrow.

Empty Chairs, Everywhere is a personal grief diary as I process the loss of my Mother to COVID-19.